The Rebel Faction

Ah, Leritor, home of the Sauvax, a race of crab-like farmers and friendly-types, to the left of Khothlis, to the right of Rodia. They farm their lands as their ancestors have for generations, without a care in the world and with an ameciable, friendly attitude. Skuttling around on six spiny legs, today was to them just another day of ploughing, chatting, playing games, tending the crops, and going to bed.

Or was it?

A disturbing rumbling could be heard in the skies above. Asuming it was a coming storm, the Sauvax scuttled around, lifting protectors over their crops in case a wind whipped up. As the sky darkened, a ship could be seen whistling through the atmosphere. Trying to hold together, the ship was fighting a losing battle with the laws of friction, mostly because the laws of friction were playing dirty and kept shoving extra air molecules in its' path.

Blazing like a commet, the shuttle finally crashed heavily into a nearby hillside, ripping through the earth and sending smoke and fire in al directions.

A door in the middle of the wreakage was forced open, and a terrifying, dark figure began to emerge. Standing to its' full height, it scraped soot from its' clothes and looked around.

"Hey, free crab dinner!"

Running from the hill, another voice called from the shuttle. "No! Admiral Freewater! Come back here Right now! They are not for eating! Yiffin, get up and stop him already!"

The Savuax tentativly chose one of their number to go down and speak to the Azguardian Explorers. He scuttled cautiously around the crater left by the crash of the Coalition shuttle, and stood behind the four, trying to look as small and quiet as possible.

The four explorers, however, seemed to be making themselves as large and loud as possible. Frelgrin was trying vainly to get them to stop bickering and begin a diplomatic exploration, but as it was Shlump and Yiffin were too busy arguing over grant systems, and Freewater kept getting distracted by shiny rocks.

"All right!" Frelgrin shouted "That's it! If we're not going to conduct this exploration properly, then I'm going back to the ship!" And with that he turned on his heel-

-Tripped on the Sauvax behind him, and fell head first into the crater. There was a loud "Clang!" as his head hit the wing.

Frelgrin tried to climb out, but ended up sliding down again, grumbling loudly, and fuming in the direction of the Sauvax.

"Aha!" Exclaimed Shlump "A perfect example of the savages that inhabit this planet. Look at its' clearly inferior... uh... claws. And its'... Its' not got the right number of legs. Its' pretty clear we'll have our work cut out for us, educating these beastly creatures."

Yiffin sighed "I don't think we can educate them into two-legged creatures, Shlump-"

"Well maybe you can't." said Shlump, sniffing hautingly "I've always felt teaching was your weak-point."

Yiffin gawped "What do you mean my weak-point? I won the Teaching award in the field of excellence at the academy of learning last year-"

Shlump snorted "Yeah, well, you were sleeping with a judge-"

"That was you."

"...Oh yeah."

Yiffin frowned "Wait, what are we doing? We've made a scientific discovery! We have to go through the Scientist's checklist. Have you got yours?"

Shlump fished out a small sheet of paper. "All right"

Yiffin leapt upon the surprised Sauvax and lifted it in his arms.

"All right" he said, struggling with it "Whenever you're ready."

Shlump looked at the list "Number one, any cash or valuables on it?"

Yiffin shook the Sauvax up and down "Nope"

"Any Cash and valuables near it?"

"Nope"

"Any way we could use it to obtain cash and valuables?"

"I don't think so."

"Edible?"

"I hope not."

"All right" said Shlump, pocketing the list "Now we tag it and release it into the wild. Since we're out of tags, just throw it over there somewhere."

"Excuse me"

Yiffin frowned. "Not now, Freewater, we're very busy."

"I didn't say nothing" said the Admiral, confused.

"Excuse me"

"Uh... Frelgrin?"

"Don't look at me" grumbled Frelgrin, still in a sour mood and trying to get out of the hole. "I didn't say anything."

"Excuse me"

Shlump shrugged "Its' not me"

Yiffin, in a moment of inspiration, turned the Sauvax face up.

"Excuse me, but could you put me down now?" It asked, in a polite Basic.

Frelgrin was so surprised he lost his grip and fell down the side of the hole again. "It can talk!"

"Yes" sneered Shlump "But listen to its' savage, scratchy native language. No one could understand that."

"Its' speaking OUR language, Shlump" said Frelgrin, who shook his head wearily.

"Actually" said Yiffin "Shlump has a point. It can't be our language, because this is an alien. What it just said must simply SOUND like our language, but in their language must mean something completely different."

"Oh, sure" said Frelgrin "It just sounded like he wants you to put him down after grabbing him, throwing him around, and searching him for valuables."

"Exactly" said Yiffin. "It makes perfect sense."

Finally, Freewater was let loose, on the promise he wouldn't wander far. Approaching the building with a mix of awe and curiosity, Frelgrin, Yiffin and Shlump all became increasingly aware of the smell of fish and chips.

Brushing away concealing moss, they could see the weatherworn New Republic symbol on the door. As Shlump and Yiffin scraped off more moss, Frelgrin turned to Earl. "So, uh, Earl. I never got round to telling you why we came. We're from TARGET, a part of the Coalition. We were wondering if you were interested in joining the coalition - well, the whole planet, really - and despite the cliche of the statement, I must ask, could you take us to your leader?"

"You're in luck" said Earl. "He's in there." And with that, he pointed at the Republic building.

Frelgrin was confused. "But I thought you said the Republic left years ago. In fact, from hear, it looks like no one has so much as touched the building in years."

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, sort of" said Earl "The other day, we saw Li'Ni'Do'Go', or Andrew as he preffers to be known, chasing a plastic bag in the wind - oh, he's our leader, by the way - and he got to the top of the tallest hill in town, then fell off and went through the chimney. He said he could dig his way out, and not to worry, but we're not so sure. When someone falls in, we usually just wait a day or two then open the doors and everyone has a good laugh. But if you want to go ahead, be my guest-"

"Its' mine! I found it!"

"But I saw you find it!"

Frelgrin turned, to see Shlump and Yiffin fighting over control of some small piece of machinery that seemed jammed into a piston that for some reason was under a corroded panel on the wall, revealed when a piece of moss was disturbed. As the two fought over it, it came loose and fell. But before the two could fight further, the piston screeched loudly, and began to move.

Earl suddenly seemed uneasy "Its' never done that before."

"Well, we better get... Andrew... Out of there, sharpish. How do we open the door?"

Earl came up to it, and gave it a push, but nothing happened. More pistons were suddenly visible, raising out of the moss and the bushes. "It must have reactivated the locks" said Earl, distinct worry in his voice. "What do we do now?"

"Stand aside" said Shlump. "We know just what to do. Yiffin? Do the honours?"

"Freewater! Door!" Called Yiffin, and suddenly, Freewater leapt to attention and charged down the door, crashing through it like an unstoppable... thing.

"But those doors were magnetically sealed!" Said Earl in astonishment. "They were bullet-proof, laser-proof, bomb-proof!"

"Ah" said Frelgrin "But they weren't Freewater-Proof, were they?"

Frelgrin heaved with all his might, and was eventually able to lift Andrew out of the hole. Freewater had construced a fairly teetering mound of rocks, from which he had passed the Sauvax leader up from. He too climbed out, using a cut wire for support. The three huzzahed their success, and turned to leave the building.

Unfortunately, a barely-functioning secutiry system was active, and it closed just at that moment, closing them off inside the room.

"Fracking hell!" Cursed Frelgrin, as he knocked on the door. "Freewater, can you knock it down?"

Just as he said that, he had to move swiftly out of the way as Freewater came barreling towards the door. He clanged against it and bounced painfully away.

"Ah, I guess no." Frelgrin examined the edge of the door, and saw in tiny writing 'made on Kessel'. Next to that, it said 'One hundred percent Freewater proof'.

"I'm going to ignore the fact that that makes no sense for now" said Frelgrin. "Ok, so how do we get out of here?"

Andrew shrugged - quite a feat for a crab - and said "I dunno, we usually go through the door. No one's been in the rest of the building for years..."

"Well, looks like we'll have to - "

"I say, Frelgrin, can you hear us?" It was Yiffin, shouting from the other side of the door.

"Yeah, we can hear you" said Frelgrin "Are you guys all right? Is there any other way out?"

"We're fine!" Shouted Shlump, in an excessivly loud voice "But the natives are giving us trouble, they say we can't try and salvage the ships' guns to blast you out!"

"Well I should think not" said Frelgrin. "There's got to be another way out, we'll find it."

And so the three of them picked one of the two other, unsealed doors in the room at random, and began walking down a conveniently long corridor. About long enough to fit in some more dialogue

"So" said Andrew "What brings you to Leritor, anyways? If its' about the crop quality, I've already made my stance clear -"

"Oh no, nothing like that" said Frelgrin "We are on a mission to-"

"Wait, crops is food, right?" Said Freewater "Do you grow chocolate?"

"Uh, we grow cocoa beans further south" said Andrew "Does that count?"

"That's kind of off topic" said Frelgrin "What I was trying to say was-"

"Too late" said Andrew "We've made it to the next door."

"Damn."

The next room had a small door marked exit, and a big mound of moudly food.

"Well" said Frelgrin "That was easy-"

"Gah!" Shouted Andrew and Freewater at the same time, and both leapt out of the room. Frelgrin immeadietly looked in all directions - including up and down - but he couldn't see anything to cause such fear.

"Uh, guys? Whats' going on?"

"Don't you know the rules?" said Freewater.

"Uh.. which rules?"

"You know, the rules of action/reaction. By saying "That was easy" you have now assured something bad will happen to us to prevent us from escaping. The same thing would happen if you said "That was TOO easy", or "I have a bad feeling about this.""

Frelgrin rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, you guys" he said "You can't expect me to believe that-"

He was interrupted by a heavy thump. Apparently, "That was easy" was the turn-on password to the old, rusted New Republic Heavy Security Combat Mech, which was even now opening fire and heading towards them. Frelgrin leapt through the door, which Andrew and Freewater shut and sealed behind him.

"What did I tell you?" Said Freewater "Even I know about those rules."

Frelgrin decided not to comment.

Once inside, Andrew poured them tea (at least, they hoped it was tea) and let them get comfortable. for a hollowed out rock, it was rather cozy. Everything was made of stone, shell, driftwood, or plexiglass (they're not totally primitive). After a little bit of tea drinking, Frelgrin ventured a question "So you're the leader of this planet, Andrew?"

"Oh yes" he said, stirring his tea with a long and decidedly sharp claw. "The official name of the position is Ni'Quolama, but 'Boss-man' usually suffices."

"How do you direct an entire planets' operation from this one little room?" said Yiffin, as he tried to stomach the tea.

"Oh, most things tend to sort themselves out" he said "There's two million, five hundred thousand, six hundred and forty two Sauvax on this planet, which equals about two million, five hundred thousand, six hundred and forty one farmers and fishers, and me. There simply arn't that many issues to deal with."

Shlump snorted "Of course there arn't" he said "A primitive planet like this, with its' savage culture, couldn't hope to rise to our dizzying height of civilisation - Freewater! Don't do that!"

Freewater had placed his empty tea-cup on his head, and seemed to be playing an imaginary game of some sort. After a stern reprimand from Shlump, he sulked in silence.

"Don't get me wrong" Andrew said "There are some issues. There was bad rainfall south of the Argoni Straight last year, and I helped organize relief supplies sent south. And there are plenty of social issues, like letting people leave their communities and joining others. We're not completely boring."

At that moment, a decorative Sea-Shell ornament on the wall flipped over, revealin a high-tech holo-feed system. It showed the image of another Sauvax with an eye patch, a goatee, and what appeared to be a fluffy pet... Shrimp... Nestling on his arm - I mean, claw. In the background could be seen a massive laser cannon which seemed to be orbiting Leritor.

"Ah, Blowclaw, I was expecting this call" said Andrew, who turned to address the screen. "I take it you're not here to exchange Elvis Costello impressions again, so what is it you want?"

"You know what I want, Andrew" said Blowclaw, who stroked his pet shrimp and looked grim "I want total control of Leritor, and I want it now. No more sparring, we found the double agent, and there is no more espace for you. Either you surrender control of the planet to me, or I open fire-"

"Um, excuse me" said Frelgrin "If you're busy, we can come back later"

"Oh, no, this is no bother at all" said Andrew "It'll only take a second." He then turned back to the screen "You may have found our double agent, Blowclaw, but did you find our double double agent?"

Suddenly, onscreen, a Sauvax in a black suit swung - well, more scuttled - into the room from a grappling hook launched from his wrist watch. He flattened two inept guards who put up as much fight as damp tissue, and proceeded to karate-chop the laser cannon.

"Curse you! Curse you all!" Exclaimed Blowclaw, who proceeded to jet pack off screen.

"Mission accomplished" the tuxedoed spy said, and Andrew nodded. The shell flipped back over, and Andrew turned to face his guests again. "As you were saying?"

...

"Dude" said Shlump "That totally kicked ass. I take back everything I said, the Sauvax are just as civilized as the rest of us."

"'Totally kicked ass'?" Said Yiffin.

"I can't say that, can I? It comes out wrong. Maybe I'm not doing it right..."

"Anyways, this is all besides the point" said Frelgrin "The point being, Mr. Andrew, we are fully prepared to tell you everything you want to know about the Coalition, what membership entitles, and answer all your questions."

"All right then" said Andrew.

Ten Minutes later

"...Which would surely kill us all. There, I think that about wraps it up."

"Hm, rather interesting" said Andrew. "Thanks for taking the time."