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1 4:26pm 23/04/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

A lot of things had not happened, with regards to Teth and Fwsvilling. There had not been a major international incident, where two superpowers sent massive warfleets into their space with the threat of intergalactic battle hanging over their heads. This had not set a precedent of fear whereby half the Coalition would be signed over to an insane theocracy. It also certainly did not bring into question the legitimacy of various situations throughout the galaxy. Indeed, you could say that if not for this not happening, it would be one of the most remarkable incidents of recent history.

This is why informal talks and theories have not been floating around, a meeting certainly did not take place, and I assure you that no plans were adjusted and enacted. It is odd, therefore that all of this not-happening spawned actual events, which will be related to you in the near future. These events concern a small group which you just may be familiar with, depending on your interest in the endeavours of nerds.

Frelgrin, who had barely enough time since his return to frame his latest form-letter for ‘a job well done, Mr (insert name here)’, once again found himself taking a call from the TARGET office. His home in the hilly regions of Azguard was a comfortable place, but not the best to take a conference call from high-ranking intelligence officers.

“That’s right, Frelgrin, you and your team have been chosen for this assignment. I want you to visit Teth and Fwsvilling as soon as possible to extend the offer of Coalition membership. The house voted to implement this operation in an effort to encourage the two planets into joining.”

“Er... all right then, but why can’t you send someone else for once?” said Fregrin, filled with the desperate desire to get out of yet another hellish mission.

“Because you’ve never failed!” said one of the officers “Your team has successfully convinced every nation it’s visited to join the Coalition, now that’s a success rate.”

“Um... well sure” Frelgrin said “But I’m *cough cough* feeling a bit ill, as it were. I’m feeling a bit sore, I think I’ll have to sit this one out.”

The officers sighed “This is a video phone, Frelgrin. We can SEE that you’re perfectly capable. Now assemble your team, you will of course be fully permitted to gear up to your heat’s content. It is of vital importance to our future plans that you succeed in this mission, don’t mess it up!”

With that, Frelgrin was left alone in his kitchen. He groaned, and cursed the medical science that had cured the common cold, robbing working people across the galaxy of their god-given right to sick-days. Finally, Frelgrin decided to pull himself together. At the least, he thought, this meant he was top of his field. As the best explorer and diplomat the Coalition could field, that’d be worth considerable respect.

With that in mind, he hardened himself to the thought of dealing with the other three members of the team. The sooner he called them, however, the sooner they’d start and thus the sooner they’d finish, and the sooner he’d be rid of them. He raised a conch shell to his lips, and let the notes rebound around the mountains. After waiting a few minutes and turning back a few parties of lost boys, he finally saw Freewater, Yiffin, and Shlump stumble their way up the path.

“About time.” he said “Now, let’s get started.”

DolashXP

2 10:33pm 27/04/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

The team piled into their shuttle, which was bursting at the seams with equipment, information, supplies, and more. This of course required them to return quite early, since bursting at the seams is not a good condition for a spaceship to be in. Once they dropped off some of the less necessary elements (despite protests from Shlump as to the necessity of his ‘adult literature’), the ship made a second attempt, and managed to begin it’s journey to Teth, the first stop.

The journey would take them outside the protective contours of Wildspace, protected by the shield of the Watchers, and into that mysterious nether-region often referred to as ‘That place where the Black Dragon Empire and the Galactic Coalition are very close to killing each other.’ However, tension tends to drag people to it like a gravity well, and what could quite easily have been a deadly standoff had become a centre of trade and cross-culture fashion. Teth and Fwsvilling had been chosen namely because... well... they were some of the few planets left in the region without a huge Black Dragon fleet surrounding them.

So as they sat, bored with the thought of spending so long in tight proximity, Frelgrin began to speak “You know, I’ve been thinking, maybe I should get out of the exploring business.”

“What?” said Yiffin. “And leave all the... um...” He paused. “...Well, the government contracts. You’d lose all the money we get for exploring foreign lands!”

“You get paid in money?” said Freewater, surprised “I just keep getting buckets of shiny rocks. And I love them so.”

“I hardly think money should be part of the decision, Yiffin.” sniffed Shlump “Surely, national duty, and the need to make sure foreign people know we’re better then them should be the deciding factor.”

Frelgrin rolled his eyes. Every time someone opened their mouths, retirement sounded like an ever improving option. “Anyways, I won’t be deciding on this for some time now, let’s just stick to the mission at hand. What do we know about Teth then?”

Shlump turned on the ship’s computer, which gave an image of a reasonably attractive planet in it’s mid hundred-millions. It seemed industrialized, although it was of course hard to tell from the image, and statistical info appeared on screen. “It appears it’s an industrial planet, with a centralized government structure and various powerful corporate groups. Just great, it’s always hard to sell the concept of freedom to corporations, they’re wary of things that cost nothing.”

“Hm... still, everything else checks out. Reasonable people, nice environment, no huge and scary religions to battle or other systems of belief that otherwise consume them...” Frelgrin continued to scan the list. “Oh, and it appears they were the seat of some sort of ‘Iron Fist Empire’.”

The ship went quiet. “The Iron Fist Empire?” Shlump said eventually. “That doesn’t sound inviting...”

“It appears it hasn’t been really that long since they broke up.” said Frelgrin. “Years, sure, but not generations.”

“But it does say they hate The New Order.” said Yiffin “Looks like they had some spat a while back.”

“By spat, do you mean one conquered the other?” said Frelgrin, who pointed to a particular point on screen.

“Well, I guess if you want to be ‘graphic’ about it.” said Yiffin.

“At least we can use that against them.” said Shlump. Frelgrin gave him a look, and he sighed “And by that, I mean use it as a point of leverage as to why they should democratically join the Coalition, and certainly not as something to mock them over.”

“That’s better, but you’re still putting a dollar in the fascist jar.” said Frelgrin. “Anyways, we’ll just have to mind our manners and watch our step. We don’t want to go offending any ex-Empires, and we certainly don’t want to piss off anyone who put ‘Iron Fist’ in the name of the nation. Besides, the Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend”

“That’s not how the expression goes.” said Yiffin “If I recall, it’s ‘The Enemy of My Enemy is Probably Still My Enemy.’”

“Well whatever, let’s just get going.” Frelgrin said, who input the coordinates in the nav-computer for the next jump, and leaned back in his chair to go to sleep.

DolashXP

3 7:53pm 10/05/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

The trip was perilous, involving all sorts of dangers - both seen and unforseen. However, I have decided to skip this part so that in the future I can make use of this time period to fill space with an endless array of flashbacks. So let us move right on ahead to arriving at Teth.

“Wow” said Frelgrin “The significance of that trip was just... shocking.”

“Indeed it was.” said Shlump “In fact, I doubt we’ll see anything on Teth that can top the amazing events that occured between our departure and arrival, events I dare not speak aloud.”

“Except for the upmost need (of, say, fleshing out a lagging word-count) I say we never again discuss just what went on.” said Yiffin.

Freewater nodded “I just spilt my glass of fruit juice.”

Their shuttle - which bore the marks of their adventures thus far (exciting adventures that you don’t get to read about) - landed at a prearranged spot at the Teth International Space Station, Bar, and Grill. The Space Station was situated handily across the road from the parliament building of Teth, which awaited them. This coincidental placement of perhaps the two most singularly powerful places on the planet within a few feet also resulted in a slight uptick of security, something the explorers were soon to learn.

The team of four walked down the landing pad towards the terminal, where a squad of customs officers met them. “Please deposit all metal, none-metal, metalloid, or extra-galactic objects in the tray, and step through the gauntlet of X-rays please.” said one, in a bored monotone.

Inching forwards, blindfolded, through a dozen scanners and tests, the explorers were gradually cleared for entry to the city. There was a moment of panic where one scanner meant to detect a rare type of poisonous cholesterol found only at the bottom of the ocean - on Kamino - went off, but it was later found to be a technical error.

“Talk about high security” said Frelgrin, as their possessions were returned to them “I mean, they found out more then even I knew about myself doing those.”

“Same here” said Shlump “Luckily they said it looks benign.”

Finally, they were met in the terminal by a group of diplomats from the Teth Parliament, who bowed low behind a shield of armoured police droids “Greetings, we trust you haven’t suffered too much discomfort, these are difficult times. We welcome you to our planet and hope - Look out, he’s got a knife!”

Across the room, at a spaceport café, a man who was cutting his sandwich absentmindedly in two with a butter knife suddenly found himself tackled by a team of security droids.

“-That you will find your trip profitable and enjoyable. Please, come this way.”

Mildly surprised and confused, the team was lead away. “Er... what happened to that man over there?”

“Suspected terrorist. We’ll have to take him away for questioning then relocate him and release him back into the wild.”

“Ah.” said Frelgrin “I see.”

“Things have been on edge here. Ever since the collapse of our Empire and the consumption of our land by the ‘New Order’ - I hate them! I hate them so much!” The diplomat suddenly began to spit and rave. “Damned Order Dogs! Thing they’re so great! I’ll kill every single on with my bare hands!”

His shouting spread to most of the terminal, which also broke into sudden exclamations of hatred and anger at the Empire. Even the explorers, who were Azguards and had some chief reservations about their foe still recoiled in surprise at the anger. Eventually, the shouting stopped and calm returned. The diplomat straightened his clothes.

“It takes a great deal of training to be a diplomat.” He sniffed “We are required to rise above such petty things as jealousy an anger, not like these uncontrollable working-class types. Come along then.”

DolashXP

4 10:27pm 19/05/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

The four explorers inched through the vacuum-sealed durasteel tunnel leading to the Teth Parliamentary Building, which was flanked by menacing, gothic stonework. Inside, a small phalanx of armed and armoured guards stood ready to spear the first person through the door without a pass-card, and Shlump fainted shortly after his sneeze was almost misinterpreted as armed insurrection.

Eventually, however, they were guided into the main chamber of parliament. Huge, gallery seating extended in all directions around a central podium, and every seat had a representative from some corner of Teth looking furtively around the room, waiting any minute for the long-awaited surprise attack. The entire room filled with tension for a moment as the four explorers were lead in, but the rifles were lowered by a dismissive wave from their diplomatic escort. In time, they were finally lead to the central podium to speak.

“Representatives of the most honourable Tethian people. We come before you today to extend to you the olive branch of-”

“Look out!” shrieked a representative “He’s got an olive branch!” Suddenly, the room was filled with rushing and activity. Frelgrin had just enough time to look surprised before the sudden weight of four heavy-duty security droids knocked him to the floor. In the last few moments of his consciousness, he saw Shlump faint again, Yiffin try unsuccessfully to hide behind a chair, and Freewater manage to draw a weapon from thin air and cause several droids to explode before his eventual capture.

“Typical” muttered Frelgrin, as he slipped finally into unconsciousness.

He awoke several hours later, his head stamped with a bar code, I.D. number, and what appeared to be a ‘tip of the day’. Around him, the other explorers stirred and awoke. He tried to appraise his situations, but found it difficult in the face of all-consuming darkness and cramped quarters.

A voice, somewhere outside their container, could be heard. “Take these ones to camp 7"

DolashXP

5 11:22pm 25/05/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

"Where are we?" groaned Yiffin, as they plodded into a cold and damp prison.

"I think we've been sent to some sort of... prison camp." said Frelgrin. "I don't remember hearing anything about this in our files on Teth. When did they become a paranoid autocracy?"

"If I may remind you all." said Shlump "It is Frelgrin's fault we're here in the first place! If he'd only had the sense not to threaten them with Olive Branches of Mass Destruction - "

"They were just metaphorical olive branches, Shlump." grumbled Frelgrin.

"That's not what it says over there." and with that, Shlump pointed to what appeared to be a tiny viewscreen, mounted just below a large and obtrusive security camera. The screen, which relayed the type of propaganda-heavy news that would warm an Imperial's heart, indeed seemed to tell of some recent development.

"Earlier today" said the anchor-person "A foreign terrorist jihadist insurgent alien cell was apprehended trying to assassinate the entire parliament of Teth with a deadly, nuclear olive branch of mass destruction. Luckily, they were apprehended by our brave and heroic security teams whom we support so much, and sent to one of our Freedom Camps."

"Hm, a Freedom Camp." said Freewater "That doesn't sound bad."

"All right, you maggots!" shouted a voice carrying all the care and sophistication of rusted meat-cleavers "Get to the labour fields, immeadietly!"

With that, they were hustled out into a wide open area, and finally got a better understanding of their surroundings. They were in a prison camp, a huge laser-fence surrounding the perimeter and guards armed with machine guns on every tower. Within the enclosure, huge prison buildings towered all around, and glum prisoners were slowly filing out into the center.

There, pile upon pile of rocks lay, along with pile upon pile of hammers to break them. After quite a bit of pushing, eventually the explorers found themselves working alongside the other prisoners.

"Why are we breaking these rocks?" rasped Shlump, someone practically allergic to manual labour.

A prisoner shrugged "It's the sort of thing people do in prisons, they break rocks with hammers. At the end of the day, they scrape up the dust melt it down into new rocks for tomorrow."

"That's insane!" exclaimed Frelgrin.

"Maybe, but it does give you a sense of accomplishment. Plus, if you don't break the rocks, they hit you with sticks. Think about that."

It was a long, hard day of pointlessly breaking rocks before they were sent to the mess hall for thin gruel. That was Frelgrin's chance to get some more clarification of the situation, and after briefly scanning the room, he slid over to the stereotypical 'wise old prison guy'.

"So" he said "What is this place?"

"This is the Freedom Camp." grumbled the man, completely oblivious to the usual rules of introduction and ettiquette. "Teth is gripped in a general paraonia, and has reacted by crushing personal liberty and instating a fear throughout the world."

"Ah." said Frelgrin. "And this is all part of someone's maniacal scheme to seize power?"

"Actually, no." he said. "I used to be a Teth Representative, it's actually just sheer coincidence and unordered panic. If not for the tragic results, the circumstances that led to this would be seen as quite ironic and hilarious."

"Oh."

There was a pause.

"So... I assume there's some sort of plan being worked on for the prisoner's escape?"

The old man looked around briefly, then leaned in close to whisper "We are digging three tunnels - John, Mick, and Larry - in an attempt to escape into the countryside. This is to be the biggest break in history, and we'll need everything from clothes to identification papers. There are plans to link up with local underground leaders to hide the fugitives, and moles have been placed all along the command structure to aide us in our escape.

"The tunnel diggers have been working rotating shifts, using stolen kitchen implements to slowly work their way through the earth. We still have a few weeks to go, it seems, but if we keep our wits about us we should be able to-"

"Wait" said Frelgrin "What about that door over there? The wicker one in the laser-fence that says 'No escaping, please'?"

"Oh, that? We agreed not to use that on the honour system, in return for the right to form our own prisoner's union."

"..."

It was about ten minutes later. The entirety of the prison population, feeling slightly guilty but more or less justified (it had been a corrupt union controlled by management anyways), was making it's way to Teth's capital en masse, and they weren't happy. In the lead was the explorers.

"Good thing our massive, staggeringly superior Azguard intellect managed to get us out of that situation" said Shlump, proudly.

"Speak for yourself" said Yiffin, smugly. "...wait, that didn't come out right."

"Stop bickering, you two." said Frelgrin "We're almost there, we better come up with a plan."

DolashXP

6 1:30am 01/06/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

"Teth! Are you ready to..." Damn. Didn't think this through. Uh... bird? No. Grass? No. Sidewalk? No - wait! "ROCK!?"

A huge wave of cheers met the band as they began a loud, angry rock song about some sort of social injustice, or something. To one side stood the explorers, more then a little smug at their accomplishment. "That wasn't so hard after all." said Shlump.

It wasn't, reflected Frelgrin. Really, all that needed to be done was for someone to erect a stage in front of the House of Reps. The first few attempts failed, but eventually they found a blind-spot in the auto-gun security system where the machine-gun rounds couldn't reach them. After that it was just a matter of standing back, and letting the protest songs flow.

The prisoners, too, had helped bulk out the crowd, which seemed to consist of everyone under the age of 30 on the entire planet. Screams, shrieks, cheers, and the occasional actual song emanated from the impromptu concert, and shook the windows of the formerly impenetrable House of Tethian Representatives.

"I wonder why they're so angry?" Said Yiffin.

"Apparently there's been some sort of lively protest movement. 'Down with the establishment' and all that." said Shlump.

"Uh... wait..." said Freewater "What... what do we do now?"

Despite being an idiot, Freewater actually had a point. What were they actually supposed to do now?

"Maybe we could storm the parliament building? We certainly have enough people here that the weight of bodies would clog the autoguns." suggested Shlump, which earned him a disapproving look.

"Perhaps we can wait them out? If the quality of these... 'musicians' are consistent with what we've seen so far, they will eventually be driven out or go mad." Said Yiffin.

"Maybe those guys in blast armour know what we should do?" asked Freewater.

"No, Freewater, they wouldn't know - wait, what?" Frelgrin turned to the direction Freewater was pointing.

Row upon row of riot police were forming up, each one more identical then the last. Wait, I'm pretty sure that's impossible. Well, you get the point. Tightly locked riot shields formed a terrifying wall, and above their heads rose a forest of - no, not lightsabers, Riot Sticks of the Future!

The unsure bands of youth fell silent, and the bands lowered their instruments, as the wall of police inched forwards. Suddenly, one youth broke out from the rest, and in a moment of tension approached the police. Everyone held their breath as he placed -

- A flower. A pink flower, with delicate buds, on the uniform of the riot policeman. For a second, there was perfect harmony.

Historians would, through piecing together testimony and looking at the evidence, later agree that the reason why the fight broke out, was because a less-than-perceptive policeman didn't understand the symbolism, and had mistaken the flower for some sort of skinny green knife. Apparently, he had then proceeded to whack the young man into unconciousness.

The two masses collided, like mass ranks of soldiers in the most bloody of wars. Signs, garbage cans, lava-lamps, all became weapons in the dreaded melee. The battle raged all around them, the explorers standing much like isolated towers in an ocean of anger.

"Well" said Shlump "I don't think this little native squabble involves us at all. Perhaps we should leave to Fwsvilling?"

"What? Now hold on there, Shlump, we have a duty to perform."

"Actually, Frelgrin, we don't." said Yiffin. "They've already breached international law by imprisoning diplomats, and anyways, it's not actually in our job description to solve people's problems. We tend to do that by accident, anyways."

Frelgrin rolled his eyes "You're going to do it, or else it'll haunt your conscious for the years to come." Yiffin and Shlump snorted with laughter at this. "Ok, you're going to do this, or I'll pass around the office the picture of you two in drag I found that day we were cleaning out Shlump's office."

"Right!" said Shlump, his voice near mainacal "We better break up this fight! Hop to it, better if we split up, there's a lot of fight to cover."

Shlump and Yiffin slinked off, in decidedly opposite directions.

"Why should I help?" said Freewater, very slowly catching up to the conversation.

"I'll give you a quarter, how about that?"

"Yay! Money."

"Yes, Freewater, money."

With that, Frelgrin took in the battle again, sighed, and rose up atop the stage. He cleared his throat, straightened his pants, picked up the microphone, blew off some of the dust on it, and shouted.

"HALT!" Magnified by a stereo system that had actually found a way to scientifically go up to eleven, his voice drowned out the battle - and indeed sent a few near the speakers flying.

"You fools, do you not realize you fight for the same thing?!" Frelgrin said. "You both wish to protect your land and your people, you both wish to live free and happily, you both strive to do the best you can for those around you - and yet somehow you have ended up at odds! You see enemies - wether they be hiding on the edges of society or at the top of the social ladder - in any place you do not occupy. Can you not see the real enemy is yourselves? You are all one, and that means you are your own worst enemy!

"The answer lies not in paranoid fear nor in rejection of society! You will never solve your differences that way, meaning neither of you will accomplish what you both seek to do. Work together! Compromise! Learn that you both desire the same thing, and you will find that in truth you really don't have any differences to solve! All that remains to be done is for everyone to return to peace, a peace of society and a peace of culture. A peace that does not pit groups against one another. Do this, and you will have both won. Do this, and you will have won as one."

Historians would later agree this was when the two groups stopped fighting. This is not actually true, as near the back a policeman named Kevin - who was deaf - happened to be wrestling with a protestor called Tim - who was also deaf. They kept at it for several more minutes.

DolashXP

7 9:06pm 01/06/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

As a united front, arms linked and voices chanting, the combined masses of the city took to the street and sang outside the Tethian Parliament. Police stood side by side with protestors, even if both were still gingerly taking care of their various bruises and injuries. A vast sea of people encircled Teth's center, and the singing - although of inconsistent tones and varying rhythems - shook the very walls and foundations.

"Who's that guy?" asked Yiffin, who pointed to an acoustic guitarist near the front. "I don't remember him with the other 'musicians' earlier."

"Oh, him? Damn, I think I remember his name. It was... Rob Shillan... or Lob Milyan, or something. Bob something, I think." Frelgrin said.

Whoever he was, his crooning song about times changing was carried throughout the crowd, and drifted along on Teth's still air.

The Tethian Representatives - currently occupied in blocking up the halls to ensure no uppity protestor squeezed through - found themselves standing on less and less ground. "The terrorists are breaking through!" screamed one, who passed out from mind-boggling fear. They tried hiding under desks, or legislating (which was pointless, since no one was listening) , or throwing staplers out the window. Every avenue of resistance was tested.

Finally, however, they relented, and left the Parliament in shame. But they did not find themselves suddenly facing a firing squad, as many had feared, but instead recieved hearty back-pats and warm hand-shakes in a sea not of anger, but of friendly faces and countrymen. Thusly, the songs stretched long into the night, and peace had come to Teth.

Unfortunately, this was also a very boring thing to watch. The explorers, who had long ago sank into a doze, were finally awoken from their slumber as the night wound down. Their point made, people returned to their homes, and already the age of paranoia was seeing many of it's most visible symbols removed. Finally, after changing the fate of a nation, it appeared that - yes, they were ready to actually listen to Frelgrin's little speech.

"Wake up guys, we're on." He said, as they bounded up the stairs.

The gun emplacements and concrete fixtures were gone, and the parliament had moved to the upper hall where there was now windows letting in light, and doors letting in people. Frelgrin was politely ushered to the central podium, where he took his place again.

“Representatives of the most honourable Tethian people. We come before you today to... oh hell, we're late anyways, so I'll just skip ahead. Do you want to join an international Coalition of planets dedicated to preserving peace, freedom and harmony through noble and united means?"

A chorus of "Yes!" followed.

"Are you prepared to fight to free the galaxy from a taint of corruption that plagues it, to do battle with foes that threaten to quash the very thought of freedom from existance?"

"Yes!"

"Will you sign here?"

"Have you got a pen!?"

"Yes."

"Then Yes!"

"Excellent. Nice doing business with you. Would love to stay, but must be off." With that, Frelgrin hopped down from the podium and rejoined his group. Briefly handing over the contract to be passed around and letting it be signed by each representative, they then went back down the stairs, exiting the parliament in an orderly fashion, and once they were absolutely sure that they were not being watched, they ran as fast as possible to their ship.

"I don't want to spend a minute more then necessary here." said Frelgrin "Who knows how long the effect of Bob's song will last."

"We need to send in a report to TARGET, do we not?" said Frelgrin "We might get a bonus, you know."

"What, for being a day late and drastically overstepping our bounds as diplomats?" grumbled Shlump, the weight of the good deed on his conscious still not completely lifted by the apathy of time. "I don't know why we even bothered."

"Pictures. You. Girls' clothing. Embarrasement." said Frelgrin offhandedly, as he punched up the channel. "Target Main Office, this is Frelgrin reporting from Teth. Good news, we've gotten them to sign the treaty - at last - and also managed to prevent civil war and chaos on a grand scale."

"Oh" said the voice over the Comm "So you mean there won't be a civil war?"

"Um, no sir." said Frelgrin.

"Oh well, I guess you can't have everything you want in life. Still, at least you got the treaty signed. Good job there, even if it was a day late. Now be off with you, to Fwsvilling! You still have to convince the FFwillsvingers... er... Fwillsvingites? Fwillsvers? Fwillsvese? Anyways, whoever they are, we'll need to convince them too."

"Do we actually know anything about Fwillsving, sir?" asked Frelgrin. There was a longish pause on the part of the person using the Comm.

"Um... we know where it is, that's something. Smugglers usually stop by, there's a sparse population in a small settlement built around a starport. That should be enough to get you started."

"Wait... So we're going to extend the right to a small settlement to be recognized as a galactic nation and put amongst the likes of Azguard, Mon Calamari, and Teth?" said Shlump.

"...Yeah, pretty much. It's a terrestrial planet, and pretty big, so I'm sure we can think of something for it. Anyways, hop to it!" The comm cut out, and they were left alone in their ship once more.

Frelgrin looked out at the planet Teth, gleaming anew like a refreshed beacon of hope and freedom once more, and was suddenly warmed in his heart, that in a matter of moments he would be safely thousands of lightyears away from this place and it's utterly mad population.

"Prepare for lift-off, setting course for Fwillsving. Strap yourselves in!"

With that, they were off. Their ship became a dot of light amongst the stars that shone down upon a peaceful Teth at rest.

DolashXP

8 11:31am 03/06/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

"We're coming out now over Fwillsving, prepare to be underwhelmed." murmured Frelgrin, as he roused himself from his slumber and hit the confirmation button on the hyperspace cutout control.

The vomit-inducing streaks of light the galaxy had turned into became a regular field of dots again, and the explorers found themselves in front of...

"That's... that's decidedly more than I expected..." he said. Shlump and Yiffin nodded dumbly along with him, and Freewater fell very slowly off his chair.

Frelgrin looked down at the picture they had of Fwsvilling - a regular sized temperate world, with no sign of civilisation except a little X mark someone had put on to mark the settlement. He compared that to the planet before him, with vast swathes of cities and a number of space stations encircling it.

As they drifted forwads, a number of security ships converged on them in a more than slightly panicked manner.

"Who are you, and why would you come to Fwsvilling?" a shocked voice exclaimed over the comm. In the background, they could hear the muttering of several other voices, all of whom seemed terrified at the prospect of outsiders arriving.

"We are... uh... Well, representatives of the Coalition." there was pause "Um... so... there appear to be a lot more people here then I remember..."

"You better land here." said the security "We have a lot to tell you. Oh, and if you don't we'll have to shoot you. Nothing personal."

"That sounds fair."

DolashXP

9 9:05pm 05/06/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

"As I said, it's nothing personal." said President Howard Shan, as the four Azguard explorers sat before him, tightly bound in restrictive cords. "We have to be careful these days."

Frelgrin was the only one not gagged - not because their captors wanted them quiet, the others were gagged on Frelgrin's request - and he spoke to Howard. "I'm not sure if you're familiar with the rules of today's contemporary galactic societies, but tying up diplmoats and ambassadors is generally frowned upon."

Howard sighed. "I know, and I'm sorry to do this to you, but I don't quite have a choice. This planet was once, yes, a smuggler planet. It was a place Kessel Spice Smugglers stopped off to gass up before selling their illict bounty to the highest bidder. The thing is, our little planet here is strangely out of the way for a planet in this part of the galaxy. No one but smugglers came here for years, but recently that changed.

"If you haven't noticed, there's been a lot of wars lately. Wars create refugees, especially the way you outsiders - pardon my language - fight them. The Black Dragons alone are responsible for probably thirty percent of the population here. People are saying they had some sort of 'Jihad' or something. Whatever it was, it got people running.

"With all these wars on, people need a place to go. Somewhere out of the way. Somewhere where they won't be followed. I suggested - and this was years ago - that we should put the word out that there's plenty of room on Fwillsving. At the time, we didn't realize just how many displaced people needed homes, we thought maybe it'd give us an excuse to get out the old hammers and nails and put up a house or two in our spare time. We ended up hiring a spacefarer to tell people about us, and he was so unusually successful that within a month this continent was practically full.

"It was a shock at first, you can imagine, but after a while we've gotten used to it, and almost look forward to it. Despite how little people seem to care for this place, we keep our eyes on the 'net, and whenever we can find out about a war going on we make sure to let the losing side know about Fwillsving."

"So... wait a minute... your hobby is collecting wartime refugees?" said a puzzled Frelgrin.

"Well, I wouldn't say that." said Howard, the wind taken slightly out of his sails. "We're trying to do a good deed here, and we've done pretty well. I admit we did end up making a little profit out of it - be fair, we had to build housing accomodations and set up a necessity-producing infrastructure several hundred times the one we had in place."

Shulmp said something through the gag, which although intelligeble, was probably some sort of quasi-racist comment about the inferirority of their rehousing strategies. That's the sort of thing he says all the time anyways.

"...Anyways." said Frelgrin "So... I guess you wouldn't be very interested in joining the Coalition?"

Howard seemed a bit awkward here. "Weeeeell, it's not that we don't like what you're doing - I mean, we still owe you one for scaring off that Black Dragon fleet."

"Er... actually no, that didn't happen." said Frelgrin.

Howard looked bemused. "What?"

Frelgrin guestured for him to lean down, and whispered in his ear. After a while, Howard went "Ah, I see. Well, ok then. Should we start over?"

"No!" hissed Frelgrin "Just keep going before the 4th wall breaks."

"Er, right, ok. Where was I? Oh yes, we like what you're doing. Yes, the Coalition seems to me like it's been doing a pretty good job here and there, we haven't got any refugees fleeing anything you guys have done anyways. But we can't join you. We have to remain completely neutral, or else the people here might be put at risk."

Yiffin also tried to say something through his gag, an insightful comment about how it might also cut off the supply of refugees their planet benefits from.

"If I may, I would like to point out that that thing which never happened shows that alone, you are not safe. The Black Dragons know of your existance, and they want this planet. That's partly our fault, since one of the reasons they want it is because it would be a place to attack us from, but even without us they'd probably conquer you anyways."

"Hm..." said Howard "You do make a lot of sense. Plus, it'd be something to do to fill up all these words."

"Could you stop breaking the fourth wall please?" asked Frelgrin. "It's pretty frail as it is after the introduction, and the Bob Dylan reference didn't help any."

"Oh, all right." said Howard. "We will convene the council of Fwillsving to discuss your proposal. In the mean-time, go ahead and explore our fair world and meet some of it's people. We shall meet again... as soon as that lazy writer gets back to his keys and finishes the damn story."

Then the fourth wall broke.

DolashXP

10 11:39pm 07/06/05

Return of the King of the Cafe!

The four explorers stepped out onto the Fwillsving streets. The city was an amazing jumble of buildings of every imaginable design. Some were old, some were new, but all of them reminded Frelgrin that if this planet signed on to the Coalition, they could add the byline that every race of the galaxy was part of the Coalition too.

"Look at that" said Yiffin "It appears that high-rise is some sort of space-ship stoo upright and renovated. It must be terribly difficult to go through doors."

"I thin it's safe to say they made new doors, Yiffin." said Frelgrin. Yiffin seemed to realize that this made more sense, and mumbled that he knew that all along.

"It's just a sign of the inferiority of their civilizations that they would be driven off their - hey, ow. Quit doing that." said Shlump. Frelgrin had hit him on the back of the head.

"For once, can we try not offending the people we're trying to do diplomacy with?" said Frelgrin. "It'd be a nice change of pace to go through an entire mission without disaster or chaotic events taking place."

They stood quietly for a few minutes, observing the various races intermingle. "If I'm not mistaken, those are Cathers." said Frelgrin.

Shlump nodded. "And those, those look like..."

"Chiss, Shlump. You can tell they're Chiss because they're completely blue." Said Yiffin, rolling his eyes.

Shlump waved dismissively, and said "They all look the same to me, these aliens."

Eventually, despite Shlump's blatant racism, they found themselves engaged in a rousing game of 'I spy with my little eye' from the comfort of a local cafe patio.

"I spy with my little eye, an alien beginning with... D." said Frelgrin.

"Dog?" said Freewater.

"...No, Freewater, not a dog. Close though."

"It's that Dug, isn't it?" said Shlump. Frelgrin nodded. "I knew it was, it had to be. Ok, I spy with my little eye, something beginning with... G."

"Gamorrean?" Said Yiffin.

"I see one, but that's not it." said Shlump. "Try again."

"Hm... Gand?" Yiffin said, and Shlump grumbled out a yes.

"Ok, my turn. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with F."

"Frozian?" said Frelgrin.

"Falleen?" said Shlump.

"Female?" said Freewater.

"Nope." said Yiffin, triumphantly, "Furen."

There was a pause.

"Um... If I recall, they are our people's sworn enemies and followers of the exiled gods of Azguard." Said Frelgrin, slowly.

"Oh yeah..." said Yiffin. "Well then, we better duck. It appears twelve of them are coming down the road.

>>>12