The Rebel Faction

“All right, all right, I accept” said Frelgrin, his words heavy. “I don’t know how you managed it, but I guess I’m in on this trip too.” Frelgrin bowed, and made his way quickly out of the room.

The short Azguard had been addressing a council of the most learned members of TARGET, a subdivision of the Coalition Intelligence Bureau. Since the merging of all intelligence organizations in the Coalition into one thing, there had been some confusion as to who was in charge and where they were supposed to meet. But that had all been sorted out by now, with the smartest (And sometimes, the loudest) stepping in to take command.

Frelgrin had only just got back from Kegan, and he was damn tired. But, he and his “Team” had become the Coalition’s top explorers. They had seeked out new life, and new civilisations, boldly gone where no Azguards had gone before, and had accumulated enough air-miles reward points to purchase a small planet. Sometimes he regretted ever proving that Frozians could have sex under the ground of Hurok, the scientific discovery that began him on this long and meandering journey through space at the behest of the Coalition.

...Not for the last time, Frelgrin reminded himself to leave that bit out of his Biography, maybe changing it into something more appropriate. It’d be a lot easier if the Frozians hadn’t built that damn statue of him. Its’ not exactly the best thing to be remembered for, and the sculptor had really decided to use his imagination as to just HOW Frelgrin had come across his discovery. Apparently the careful study of evolutionary traits and gravitational data wasn’t exciting enough to make a statue out of.

Anyways, it was time to gear up for this latest expedition. This time, they were being sent to the distant planet of Riflor, near Cerea. They knew nothing about it, apart from the fact that it was amongst a dwindling minority of civilisations that had yet to invade the Coalition, and that it had sent a plea for help combined with a request of membership within the Coalition.

“Shlump” he said into a personal comm-unit as he made his way to the equipment shed. “We’ve got a new assignment-“

“What, already?” Moaned Shlump “We JUST got back, I haven’t even had the time to write an entry in my journal.”

“You haven’t got a journal, Shlump” said Frelgrin, as he opened the door to the shed and began appraising the gear spread before him. “We all know you just go home and write an over-inflated version of events for the local paper. Signing your letters anonymous isn’t quite as effective when people in the letter itself address you with your name.”

This didn’t quite deter Shlump as much as it probably should have “The point is still valid, we have only just got back, and that means we deserve some rest and relaxation.”

“If you come on this mission and don’t complain, I’ll give you five dollars.”

“Five dollars? I’m there!”

Frelgrin sighed, as he changed channels on his Comm and began picking up things for the mission. You just needed to know how to talk to scientists.

“Yiffin, call off your fancy dinner party for upper-upper-middle-class academics, we’ve been called up for another mission, this time to Riflor.”

Yiffin was no less annoyed then Shlump. “Honestly, how do they expect us to work at the top of our form if they do not allow us adequate time to rest?”

“Well, the noble call doesn’t rest, and all that” said Frelgrin, struggling with a heavy crate. “Its’ supposed to be low-risk, which will be a nice change of pace from our last assignments.”

“Ha!” Shouted Yiffin, and Frelgrin winced at the scrape of static “That’s what they said about Cerea, and we had to fight assassins on that one!”

“There was very little actual fighting, when you think about it” said Frelgrin, who sighed. He hated having to do this, but it was the only real way to get them to do anything “Listen, I’ll give you five bucks, ok?”

“Hm, your argument has merit. I guess I shall take up your offer. I shall see you at the landing pad. And could you bring the five dollars in change? They installed a new vending machine at the terminal.”

Frelgrin muttered an ok, and turned the comm channel, at last, to Freewater’s channel.

“Freewater, go to the landing pad.”

“Ok”

Frelgrin swung the last bag over his shoulder. There, he had everything they could possibly need. Nets, guns, knives, ropes, ammo, water, food, hats, shoes, blankets, first-aid kit, the list went on and on. He was absolutely sure that they would want for nothing on this next trip.

And obviously, since it’s more funny this way, he will be surprisingly mistaken.

The TARGET ship with the Azguards in it took off first, with plans to ensure a safe landing site for the Jedi's arrival. In cramped corners, the five explorers struggled to get comfortable.

"Wait" said Frelgrin "Five? I thought the Jedi was coming on the other ship?"

Oh, he is.

"Well then who's the fifth person?" asked Shlump.

What, you mean I hadn't written the fifth person in yet?

"No, you haven't"

Oh. Ok, I better do that now then. Near the back of the ship, cramped and uncomfortable, sat Ensign... uh... you know, I don't know his name. Well, that's not important, he's an Ensign wearing a red shirt assigned to the mission, that's all you really need to know.

Anyways, crammed into their little ship, they sat out the trip through hyperspace, which was thankfully short. Finally, arriving on the other side of the galaxy, Riflor came into sight.

"Ah, at last" said Frelgrin. "My leg was falling asleep. Quick, land the ship."

Freewater squinted out the viewport at the infinite blackness, punctured only by stars and a nearby orb of fire. "Uh... where is planet again?"

"It's the planet shaped thing, obviously" said Shlump, rolling his eyes.

"Not nessecarily" said Yiffin, in scholarly tones "Remember the amazing not-at-all-round planet of Piung 4? That was a polyhedron of immense proportions, if I recall."

"Oh yeah, like the discworld" said Freewater, relieved.

"Isn't the discworld fictional?" said Shlump, puzzled. But he was quickly hushed by Frelgrin and Yiffin.

"Anyways" said Frelgrin "This one is supposedly planet-shaped, so look out for something like that."

Freewater eventually, cautiously pointed into the darkness. "Like that?"

As the other explorers raised their eyes, they could now see a planet as sunlight fell upon it, one of cracked rock and jagged metal, spiked in all directions. Dark, shadowy clouds passed over it ominously, and they were sure that if not for the fact you couldn't hear in space, there would be thunder, wolf-howls, and a scary organ playing.

Frelgrin gulped "That's the one."

After lots of arguing, they eventually decided to continue their mission, and came to a tentative landing on the planet's surface. Riflor had apparently suffered an awful ecological disaster, forcing the people of Riflor - called Riffles - to live underground. None had heard much of them for years, so this was going to be difficult.

It was about ten minutes into the mission before an anvil landed on the Ensign.

And about another ten minutes before they noticed.

The explorers didn't seem overly interested by Fraktus's approach, and instead formed a huddle amongst themselves.

"Was that an... anvil?" said Frelgrin slowly.

"I think so" said Yiffin, clearly befuddled "But it clearly violates the law of Anvils, whereby each Anvil must have a value of A exceeding roughly three fifths the width of the target."

Frelgrin rolled his eyes "Yeah, because that was just what was confusing me about the whole thing too."

"What about the alien thingy?" asked Freewater "It scared me."

"Don't worry" said Shlump, reassuringly "It can't get you here, we're in a huddle. It's probably some sort of indiginous person, maybe the anvil is his. Whatever he is, his language isn't one logged in our databanks."

They all turned to Fraktusk, who had put down the body and was now looking quizzically towards them. "Hellosa?" He asked.

The explorers turned back amongst them. "See? It's all gibberish to me." said Shlump. "And I have an honorary degree in speakomatology."

"I heard of an ancient Yuelisk technique, involving the gargling of the throat." said Yiffin airlily "Supposedly, the proccess could create a sound comprehensible in every alien language as various basic words."

Frelgrin could tell when he heard Yiffin's tone it was rubbish, but it was also easier to let him go on with his ridiculous schemes then to try and slow him down, so he sighed, and said "Go ahead".

Yiffin sauntered over to Fraktusk, and in a self-confident manner started to gargle loudly and incoherently at the Jedi. When Fraktusk only looked back in confusion, Yiffin declared the creature to be deaf, and returned fuming into the huddle.

"That's not how you speak to someone who speaks foreign." said Shlump, who shook his head. "Let me show you."

Shlump rose, and strode over to Fraktusk, who was by now beginning to feel amused by the explorer's antics. "Bon Jorno! We-Want-To-Help-You, But-No-Speako-Dago! Comprendez?" After a moment or two, Shlump tried again "Senor, Please-Speak-In-Basic, Grassy-ass."

Shlump, too, gave up. He returned to the huddle "I say we just move on and ignore him."

"Wait a minute" said Frelgrin slowly. "We're waiting for a Jedi, right? Maybe this alien in a meditation robe and carrying a lightsaber is the guy we're looking for!"

Yiffin frowned. "I don't see him, is he behind the oddly-speaking creature?"

"He is the oddly speaking creature, Yiffin."

It was about this time, as rocks began breaking the surface, that the cracks appeared. The explorers observed the phenomenon with fascination, only too late realizing what it means when the ground beneath you is breaking apart. They scrambled for cover, but it was too late, and everyone found themselves tumbling through the ground towards the ground below. Indeed, it would perhaps be the end -

- But of course, it isn't. As they fell, they found their trip none-fatally cut short by the back of some metal ship. Frelgrin groaned and lifted his head from where it had hit.

"What's going on?" he mumbled, and then reflexivly dug his claws into the roof as the ship increased its' speed. The other team members followed suite, but as Fraktusk had no claws of bone he instead stuck his lightsaber into the roof. The ship sped along through rock tunnels below the surface, alongside other such ships, all fleeing some sort of tectonic disaster.

A sudden stop sent them sprawling forward, only to land and roll off another, lower ship. This caused them to shoot sideways, until they hit a wall, had a short drop onto a large umbrella, comically bounced off of that into the air, and came finally crashing down ontop of a cafe table in the middle of a vast underground city.

Sprawled, as they were, in various stages of bruising, the five of them were unable to offer much more then groans to curious onlookers. Shlump was quick to recover, however, and pulled himself up on his elbows. He gave a dazed look around the vicinity, and began to pull himself together.

"Ok... uh... we're here on... behalf of the... hm..." He was confused, just what was it they were doing again?

It turned out he wouldn't be given the chance to remember, not yet anyways. A quartet of large, armed guards appeared quite suddenly, and while using a combination of force and upmost respect, led the shaken delegation away towards the Underground Palace.

The king looked wearily upon his guests, and sighed. "I have been waiting for you, I was beginning to wonder if you would arrive at all. I take it you have come here to convince us to join the Coalition?"

There were some cautious nods.

"Excellent. There were some details I missed out in my message. You see, we'd be... glad" he said the word as if it was strange and new "to join the Coalition, but we cannot go on the surface. We have laboured for decades on a great device that would cool our turbulent planetary core, and put our planet at rest. Unfortunately, we miss a key part, and it is far too dangerous to acquire-"

"Mesa see where this be going" said Fraktusk.

"-so if you could help us and get it, then we'd be... um... willing to join you. I guess."

Frelgrin sighed "And this part? It's unique, right?"

"Afraid so."

"And it's probably in some sort of terrifying dungeon or tower?" asked Shlump.

"Dungeon, actually."

"Defended by some monster/hord/curse?" said Yiffin.

"All three, it seems."

"Can I eat this?" asked Freewater.

"Sure, I was done with it."

Fraktusk clapped his hands together. "Right, mesa ready! Where be this thingy you wants wesa go finding?"

"Oh, it's not that easy." said the king "We don't want anyone to get killed, so we devised a challenge to make sure people are worthy. It's only routine, so just step this way."

So they did. They were lead into a dark room, where the Avodese were free to sulk and write bad poetry. They watched as the delegates were lead in, and ceremonially lead through a door.

In the other room was a piano. And that's it. The walls were simple white drywall, as was the floor and the ceiling. As they left, the door itself was removed and replaced with more wall.

"What the hell?!" exclaimed Frelgrin, as he hammered on where the door had been. A voice could be heard through the wall.

"To pass the test, you must find a way out of this room, even though there are no doors or windows, using only this piano!"